The Walking Oxymoron: The Push and Pull

Have you ever met someone who seems to be both pushing and pulling at the same time?

Maybe it’s your partner. They complain that you don’t spend enough time together, but when you try to connect, they’re passive-aggressive, distant, or resistant to your affection.

Maybe it’s your friend who constantly talks about wanting to get together and make plans, but somehow never seems to have room in their schedule.

Maybe it’s your child who begs you to stay in their room for snuggles before bed, only to kick you, squirm away, or seem irritated by you the entire time you’re there.

The truth is, this is incredibly common.

I see these patterns of push and pull in my clients, and if I’m being honest, I see them in myself sometimes, too.

Because here's the thing: we can genuinely want something and still have a hard time accepting it once we get it.

We can crave connection while simultaneously feeling uncomfortable with intimacy. We can want companionship while filling every available space in our schedule. We can ask someone to come closer and then, once they do, find a reason to push them back away.

That creates the inner conflict we see on the outside as push and pull.

Maybe your partner really does want more connection with you. But perhaps, somewhere along the way, closeness started to feel a little risky. Even in a loving marriage, getting too close can bring up fears of rejection, disappointment, criticism, or being hurt. Those fears don't always show up as “I'm scared of getting close to you.”

Sometimes they look like a passive-aggressive comment.

Sometimes they look like irritation when your partner finally reaches for you.

Sometimes they look like wanting connection and then immediately putting up a wall when it arrives.

Or maybe your friend genuinely wants more companionship. But staying busy has become such a familiar way of coping that they don’t even realize how much they relies on it. Their calendar stays full, productivity keeps her distracted, and there is always something else that needs to be done.

They complain about feeling lonely, but somehow never has time to see anyone.

And then there are our kids.

They're still learning all of this.

They know they want something, but they don't necessarily know what that something is or how to communicate it.

A child might ask you to stay for snuggles because closeness feels comforting. But once you're there, perhaps physical touch becomes overstimulating. Maybe they don't actually want your body right next to theirs; they want the security of knowing you're there.

So they ask for one thing, but their behavior communicates another.

And suddenly you're thinking, Wait... you literally asked me to stay. Why are you kicking me?

Welcome to the walking oxymoron.

But maybe the goal isn't always to figure out which side of the contradiction is the “real” one.

Maybe both are real.

I want you close.
And closeness feels uncomfortable.

I want friends.
And making room for people feels overwhelming.

I want you to stay.
And I don't actually want you touching me right now.

Humans are complicated like that.

Sometimes the behavior that looks confusing, rejecting, demanding, or even contradictory is actually an imperfect attempt to meet two competing needs at the same time:

Come closer.

But not too close.

I need you.

But needing you feels scary.

Stay.

But give me space.

Maybe that's the part worth getting curious about—not just “Why are they pushing me away?” but:

“What might they be trying to move toward while simultaneously protecting themselves from?”

Because sometimes the push isn't proof that they don't want connection.

Sometimes it's evidence that connection is exactly what they want—and that wanting it feels complicated.